There comes a point in time where all you want is to love, and be loved in return.

And then you become a crazy cat lady.

i am so blessed.

i am so fortunate.

i can’t believe i have made it as far as i have, with what little qualifications i have.

and the only thing i want to do is share the hope i have discovered with those that don’t have it. i want to show them there is a light at the end of the tunnel; that there is no use giving up, because NO MATTER HOW HARD shit gets, it GETS BETTER! i swear. it does. the universe knows how much you can handle, and a lot of the times it is trillions of times more than you could ever imagine.

you just have to have trust, and faith, and believe in the idea that EVERYTHING, no matter how small, happens for a reason.

someone prove me wrong…just once. that’s all i need. because thus far, all i have been given is a ridiculous amount of reassurance that i’m right; and not in any way do i want to be.

i’m a little tired of constantly being let down. by everyone; even myself.

however, i refuse to lower my standards. and so the solution lies in me and my ability to change my  mindset.

you are so frustrated with a situation that is easily fixed by simply moving on and removing the excess stress from your life, but you have become too emotionally invested for whatever reason, and can’t do anything to change the way things are.

i have options. options GALORE. but i remain fixed and invested in the ones that are hardest to obtain. why? it makes no sense; except when it makes all the sense in the world.

my body doesn’t require much to keep it going. i can easily function on a few hours of sleep, as long as i have the means to eat plenty of fruits and vegetables, drink some good coffee throughout the day, and plenty of water. simple enough, with the occasional run or yoga class. i do just fine, and generally feel alive, healthy, and well.

my mind makes up for the lack of effort i have to put into fueling my body. my mind requires an immense amount of consolation, reconciliation, understanding, patience both with myself and others, and tenderness. i have been hurt repeatedly, walked out on repeatedly, and ultimately have simply learned to depend on myself. i am an extremely genuine and caring person, but i simply put up a wall that doesn’t allow anyone to get past a certain point in getting to know me. a wall that hides a completely vulnerable and sensitive part of my being; one faintly reminiscent of a child figuring out that the world isn’t full of people that love them as much as mommy and daddy do, and that sometimes things are scary and mean, and you have no control over that whatsoever.

every time i try to get past this point, the person on the other end leaves or gives up on me. and so the wall gets built stronger and stronger. i am so tired of repeating this, and try on a daily basis to change it. i try so hard that it brings an overwhelming amount of stress into my stream of consciousness. i can’t seem to figure out how to change it; whether it is something that i need to change, or i am simply still waiting to meet that one person that makes everything different. that person that makes it easy, and not so scary.

i devote myself to working hard. pleasing others. getting things done. being perfect. and it pays off: i get rewarded with working even harder, striving to be even more perfect, and living a life that ultimately seems successful. successful in that i do many things, and excel at all i attempt.

i consistently refuse to attempt at living though. enjoying life. allowing myself to care enough about something not in a book or a job that might ultimately break my heart, but provide a world of experience nonetheless. i’m scared to. for a wide variety of reasons. and because now i realize this, it can, and will change.

why do i go to school, and work, and create endless “things” for myself to do? to give myself a purpose. but isn’t the purpose of living to experience? so this year, i refuse to keep containing myself in this box of busyness i have been confined in for so long. i refuse to continue being scared of life.